I don’t like how much time I spend dwelling on the past, especially the less positive parts, but I was giving a lady a ride to the airport the other day, and she asked “what is your happiest memory from living in Detroit?” and I replied “Well… when I was four years old, I had a five year old girlfriend, and we got caught kissing behind the bushes.” Which is a good memory, right? What caught me by surprise, is that that led me to think about subsequent events that I’ve spent far too much of my life dwelling on already, and went into a bit of a dark mood.
I guess the thing I came away with wondering about, is, okay, we’ve reopened this old wound once again, but why? The question I was asked was about a positive, happy thing, but I had to get past the dark memory to get there, maybe. I’m not sure I’m explaining myself well, but obviously, this was an opportunity to dwell on something positive, and out of habit, I just went back to same old negative thing. So, that’s something I think I need to work on.
I suppose somewhat related, is I was thinking about something a facebook friend had posted about having to make room in your life for the things you want. I had thought of a few examples, but one day I was sitting in the truck, and the passenger side of the cab is just buried in tools, clothes, a guitar, etc. I jokingly thought to myself, “Why don’t you have a girlfriend?” “Where would I put her?” The reason I guess I’m relating this, is because, well, you know, it would be nice if I could ever get to a place in my life where I could have that in my life again. The one thing that made me happy as a child that I remember. I don’t feel like I’ve ever been able to have that, since.
I suppose I could talk about all of the reasons I’ve told myself over the years of why I don’t know how to prepare myself for all of that. What is preventing me from having that experience? That might be a topic for another day. The problem is, that my frame of reference always seems to include ways that the negative things have influenced me, and so on. It’s one of those things, where I want to be understood, but don’t want to dwell on it, don’t want to talk about it, don’t want it to have any more harmful effect on my present and future life. How could I do that? Both not dwell on it, and yet communicate that, I want to be understood, (maybe I should try to understand more instead, okay), any way, I don’t know how to explain this very well. Plus, this really is a different topic than the one I started with, I think.
It’s been a year of transitions. I kind of noticed last October. But what to say and what to left unsaid has always been a little hard for me to gauge in the social media landscape. I’m starting to see a lot of disappointment in social media from some folks who I first ran into online. The sites we’ve interacted with each other of the years have changed, the things we share with one another have changed, there’s just been a lot of changes.
So, a lot of what I have to put down in words is probably personal stuff that doesn’t really belong online. That, I think, was one mistake I personally made about how to use social media. My day to day drama is really just something I do for myself, and those dear souls who put up with me on my “private” social media account. The world being what it is today, you just can’t share everything online any more. And that’s fine. That’s why I remained as pseudoanonymous as I could for as long as I could, but that wall is broken. I don’t mind, but it does change how I approach the medium.
The one thing I do know, is that I want to share my thoughts a little bit more, but I need to be more mindful of how I do it.
I had a bad night early this week, where some stuff just kept turning over and over in my mind, and I ended up not getting any sleep. On a parallel note, I’ve been trying to cut down on the amount of beer I drink, so I think I list that as part of the reason I wasn’t able to just knock myself out. In any event, I had some real negative feelings, and I couldn’t just think happy thoughts and get to sleep. Somewhat surprising to me, is I had a good day, despite not having slept the previous night. But it got me thinking about just how powerful negative thoughts are, despite all of the facebook platitudes that make it all so seemingly simple: “you wouldn’t invite a thief into your house, why do you let negative thoughts in your mind?” If only it were that simple.
Another one I like, is “If you knew how powerful your thoughts are, you would never allow yourself to have a negative one.” Yes, yes, it’s all true. If only it were that simple. There is a lot of negative stuff in the world, and while I claim to be an atheist, when I see the evil that exists, I sometimes lean toward believing that *something* is going on that allows that kind of stuff to be. I sometimes think of religion as just a literary way to try to verbalise the battle of good and evil in the world. Sort of the Two Wolves story, – whichever one you feed grows stronger.
I once had an English teacher, (don’t blame him for my poor writing skill, that’s all on me), who once described Love-Hate as not being polar opposites, but two points very close to each other on a circle. I still don’t know what he meant exactly by that, but the imagery stuck with me. Mixed emotions, stuff like that. How can we simultaneously have strong positive emotions that sometimes come with the negative ones?
I’m not really sure where I’m going with this, but I remember after that sleepless night, that I thought I should jot down how I felt. I guess hurt and confused, maybe. I don’t know why I felt compelled to try to explain it, but there it is.
I’ve been wondering for a while, why I seemed to stop with all of my hobbies a while ago, and I think I recall what was going on in my life at the time that probably contributed to it. I didn’t talk about it much online, at the time, but for me, anyway, just identifying a possible contributor to general anxiety in my life at the time my activities tapered off seems to help. The source has been gone for a while now, so I don’t see why I shouldn’t try to pick back up with trying things again. It’s been bugging me, and I think I may have misattributed what it was that was bugging me for quite some time.