The Un-Internalized Self

Don’t like to talk about this stuff, and especially when I just got back from the store with a few beers, so let me just blast it out, and be done with it for now

I know for almost 40 years I internalized something that happened to me in a way, that I always felt gave me strength. Then, one year, a high profile case came out in the media, and suddenly, I tried to stop internalizing it. I tried to talk about it. And the more I’ve talked about it, the less good I felt about any of it. So, I’m kind of gravitating towards I wish I could re-internalize it, but I don’t think that’s exactly possible. So, eventually I’ll find a new way to go on with my life.

Someone posted a link about Neuro-language programming on facebook. I don’t know that I’d ever heard of it, but the theory behind it, as little as I understand it seems to make sense to me, that people would attempt this. What are chants, prayers, team cheers, if not an example of how we as people try to do this? Unexpectedly, though, through googling about it, I find myself reading what I’ll just assume are somewhat conspiracy minded sites, (I mean, hey, maybe people just like butterflies, okay? Does *everything* have to be about the illumanti and mind control?). Hey, it’s the weekend, so I occasionally allow my mind to wander down these twisty turny paths. And to be honest, there are certain chords that resonate with how I see things: Want to make it in the entertainment industry? Yes, I think anti-religious religous imagery is going to give your career a much wider audience than your talent alone might. I’ve felt that for a long time. But I’ve tried not to let it offend me to the point where I can’t have any fun singing along with AC/DC or Black Sabbath, (even though when I was young, I wasn’t particularly impressed with either of the bands).

But I’m going off on a rare tangent. Back to the topic of “programming” through language, I was reading about symbolism, and, well, there does seem to be a disturbing history of attempts at mind control, obviously by people in power. But how they described the “victims” is what hit a chord; talking about associative personalities and the like. How certain things might trigger an emotional response, as one article put it, that renders a person in the state of mind of a 3 year old. This is something I’ve found myself experiencing, and while not quite understanding it, other than to assume it’s related to a childhood incident, I’ve just sort of accepted that I sometimes enter into this frame of mind. It is very different than the internalized personality that I’ve carried with me most of my life. I don’t quite look at it as a separate personality, per se, but a facet of my ever-developing personality. 

In short, reading up on a subject about neuro-lingual programming, I came across a lot of “literature” that I saw a lot of parallels with modern life, (not just my own experience), even if I felt like most of the literature was a little too out there for me to want to mire my thoughts too deeply in it. That’s the thing about symbolism, to me. It’s about not letting it get to you, even if you have to admit that it affects you in some way. 

There’s thousands of more words I can say on the subject, but I think I’ll just let it go at that, for now. 

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