For whatever reasons, I’ve never had a real adult relationship. The closest thing to it I’ve ever probably experienced was in college, when I spent a lot of time with a girl who was first a classmate, and then a study partner. We spent a lot of late nights together studying early into the mornings. We eventually moved into a duplex, her in one half of the house and I in the other half. It drove me a little bit crazy, because I wanted to somehow try to make it into a relationship, but not only didn’t know how, and never was really sure whether or not she had any interest. I don’t think she probably was right for me, but, well, there we were together every day and night, studying, mostly.
She was an incredibly driven straight A student, and I was in over my head at a pretty difficult technical college with a pretty low rate of graduating students. Pretty much all of my friends washed out. I would sometimes see them at the town center on their way to catch a bus out of town, or with all of their belongings packed in the back of their car, on their way back to where they came from. I remember one guy telling me “do it, man, just graduate. Do it for all of us that didn’t make it.” I did it, eventually, sometimes going directly against my advisers advice and loading up way heavier of a schedule than she thought I could handle, (that semester was my highest GPA ever at that school), and drawing the same kind of negative ire from the department head that I used to get from gym teachers when I was a long hair pothead in juniour high and highs school. But I made it. And there is no way I would’ve made it without that girl’s help.
For her part, I think I was mostly just company to help her with the boredom of studying, and I was driven, too, I guess. Not as much as her, but I am stubborn, and I was going to get through it. It took an incredible effort to cross that finish line. It cost me a lot of lost sleep, watching the sunrise on the mountain in the morning after a long night of studying.
The reason I bring this story up, is I was recently reminded of how it felt, mentally, when that girl and I stopped studying together. It felt like I had just had a lobotomy. You know, I’ve had the teen crush and a lifetime of living with unrequited love, or whatever, this was so many times that. We had been connected at some level, that when she wasn’t part of that experience any more, I just felt like half of my brain had been removed. I remember laying out a bunch of papers on a table to study for a test one night, and just not being able to figure out how to study for the next morning’s test. It was the most profoundly unnerving feeling I think I’ve ever had. I don’t remember how long it lasted, or if I’m even today living with its affects.
At the time, I suppose I decided I had what experts probably call a co-dependent personality. I don’t know if that’s accurate or not, but it sure seems like it might be. One of my best friends at a later period of my life was a twin who lost her twin brother. I got to thinking about that bond that twins have, where they seem sort of plugged into each other’s minds in a way that other siblings aren’t.
Anyway, I’m just sharing this, because I recently had that feeling, to some degree, recently, of someone close sort of unplugging from my mind, I guess is the best I can describe it, and it really is a sort of strange, and unpleasant feeling. Not the same total disconnect, but a definite change in pattern that, I don’t know if jolted is the right word, but it definitely left me feeling sort of a little lost at sea.