A Little About Addiction, And Impacting Others Lives, And Purpose

Okay, so I have been thinking about how other people seem to impact me in both positive and negative ways. I talked a little about the negative impact I felt someone close to me was having before, and how I seemed vulnerable to it. I want to turn that around, and admit to myself that I may be having a negative impact on others, as well, and that I need to work on not doing that. It’s absolutely crucial that I do this, both for my own benefit and others I may be having a negative effect on.

I was talking about addiction recently, and it seems it is not easy to speak directly about it, always alluding to it in an oblique way instead. I probably have many addictions, and I guess I’d rather not talk about them. What I can point to, are 2 episodes in my life, where I was able to stop cold turkey. One was when the space shuttle went down. I went 6 weeks without a beer, nor did I have the slightest craving for one. I was engaged in meaningful work, and I was thoroughly immersed in it. Of course, once I got back home, I was right back in the bar at night, without missing a beat. So, I point that out because, it made me understand that trying to find a meaningful pursuit was the answer. The problem becomes insignificant and unimportant. The reason for finding myself in the bar every night after work, well, that’s the unhappiness with not having any direction in life, I guess. It’s a place I find myself quite often.

The other example was when I went to stay with my older brother for two weeks while he underwent surgery to have a tumour removed. It may have something to do with the fact that it was February, and cold outside, but I went 2 weeks without smoking a cigarette, and didn’t have any desire to. Once again, once I was back home, I was right back at it again, but that’s focusing on the wrong thing: the failure, rather than focusing on the success I had for two weeks.

Now, the reasons I am going into all of this, publicly, I guess, is that I realise this has not been a healthy way of life, and I’ve been engaged in it for a really long time. I think for a long time, I thought to myself “what does it matter?” and, well, the thing is, I wasn’t really thinking about my family, as they’ve all gone on with their lives, and I guess I wasn’t too concerned with them. But what has changed, is that I have a friend who I think cares enough about me to want to see me be healthy. And that’s part of the “how I might be having a negative impact on another person” theme I started with.

There is a lot, lot more to the story. I’m not sure now is the best time to go into it. I’m just sitting here preoccupied that my way of living might be having a negative impact on someone who cares about me, and I don’t want to do that. So that’s the reason I’m writing. I do not know what my purpose in life will be. I think for most people, having kids probably solves that problem for them pretty quick. But, as for now, I need to make sure I’m living in a way to make me worth the time invested in me. If that makes sense. I am, once again, being oblique, but I just don’t know how personal I can make this when it involves others I care about.

The Slag Heap Of Life

I sort of hate to always be talkin’ about facebook. But in this day and age, that’s where we share our lives. No idea what the future will look like, but that seems to be where we are now.

Most of what I see on facebook is people sharing their lives having children and grand children, and all of that. I have to admit, as a single, childless man, that’s sort of hittin’ a nerve, every now and then. We just don’t count for that much. Not sayin’ life is supposed to be fair, or this or that. Just sayin’. If you don’t have a trophy by the time you reach a certain age, you’re just payin’ taxes to build schools for other people. You’re sort of in a nowhere zone, where nothing much good is gonna ever happen for you You’re a worker bee, a drone. You don’t actually get to have sex with the queen, you just work to provide for the colony that is somehow keeping you alive.

I don’t know, I just write the crazy stuff that goes through my head every now and then. I don’t think about it before writing it. Maybe I’ll feel differently tomorrow.

Update:

You know, this is a fairly dark state of mind I go into every now and then, but I thought I should add something to maybe show another side of it.

Today I went out to North Collier Regional Park. It is a huge complex, and it was packed. There were tons of kids playing at the water park. I thought about my comment on taxes. That place cost a lot of money, but it was mostly the parents who have kids to keep entertained paying those taxes. My part in paying for that complex is insignificantly small. And besides, I was out using it, too, remember? That wouldn’t have been possible without all of those parents chipping in to say, “Hey, we need a park.”

Yesterday I was out checking out another new, expensive looking park, Gordon River Greenway. I walked to the end of the park, and outside of the entrance into a subdivision. There was a couple with 2 young kids riding bikes from the subdivision to the park. They were riding about the same pace I was walking, so as I walked along with them, it struck me how little I understand the lives of a married couple with two young kids, and that I did not know how to view life through that lens. That park was perfect for their purposes, and, well, there I was, out enjoying something that was probably built more for people like them than it was for people like me. So, I guess I’m always learning, or at least trying to.But yes, sometimes the darker feelings of self-pity or whatever come through. So, hopefully as I learn to see more, there will be less and less of them.

Gordon River Headwaters

Well, I thought I had had paddled the Gordon River from one end to the other, but thanks to my dear friend, Chris Griffith, over at lifeinbonitasprings.com/parks, I discovered a section of the river I hadn’t been on before. So, add that to my to do list. There is free kayak access, so that right there is a bonus.

Let’s see if I can load up an image of the map, for starters.

gordonriver

Now, Chris, (who happens to be a realtor in the area, if you’re looking to buy a place around about the area), has been writing about the local parks for at least four years, that I can tell. So, if you’re looking for things in the area to do, you might want to check out her write ups on the local naturey things to do around here, even if you don’t end up buying a place to live. Here’s a link to get you started.

I Am Unaware

I don’t wish to go into details on the complex relationships I have with family, but I guess in order to tell this, I’ll have to reveal a little more than I’m usually willing to talk about with even close friends, let alone publicly.

I’ve recently been noticing that some of my relations have a tremendously negative impact on my moods, and I got to thinking about that. It seemed like everyone in every other area of my life were happy with me, but a few folks had nothing much good to say to or about me. Again, I’m deliberately being vague, but the takeaway is this: The people who were having a negative impact or influence on me mean well, I’m sure. They are not aware of the impact they are having on me, and I’ll go ahead and admit, I’m kind of emotionally vulnerable and not all that used to pushing through being a little overly sensitive, maybe. But what it makes me wonder about mostly, is my own impact and influence on others. I am fortunate to know some really great people. I would hate to blithely going about life having any kind of negative impact or influence on their lives while I bounced around life from one bumper to the next. So, that’s something I think about. Trying to not be someone who brings negativity into others’ lives, without even realising I’m doing it. I know I’m working through a lot of weird life changes right now. I hope I deal with them in a way that doesn’t affect others in anything but a more positive way. I can’t give specific examples, but I know I could be doing a better job of it.