Okay, so I have been thinking about how other people seem to impact me in both positive and negative ways. I talked a little about the negative impact I felt someone close to me was having before, and how I seemed vulnerable to it. I want to turn that around, and admit to myself that I may be having a negative impact on others, as well, and that I need to work on not doing that. It’s absolutely crucial that I do this, both for my own benefit and others I may be having a negative effect on.
I was talking about addiction recently, and it seems it is not easy to speak directly about it, always alluding to it in an oblique way instead. I probably have many addictions, and I guess I’d rather not talk about them. What I can point to, are 2 episodes in my life, where I was able to stop cold turkey. One was when the space shuttle went down. I went 6 weeks without a beer, nor did I have the slightest craving for one. I was engaged in meaningful work, and I was thoroughly immersed in it. Of course, once I got back home, I was right back in the bar at night, without missing a beat. So, I point that out because, it made me understand that trying to find a meaningful pursuit was the answer. The problem becomes insignificant and unimportant. The reason for finding myself in the bar every night after work, well, that’s the unhappiness with not having any direction in life, I guess. It’s a place I find myself quite often.
The other example was when I went to stay with my older brother for two weeks while he underwent surgery to have a tumour removed. It may have something to do with the fact that it was February, and cold outside, but I went 2 weeks without smoking a cigarette, and didn’t have any desire to. Once again, once I was back home, I was right back at it again, but that’s focusing on the wrong thing: the failure, rather than focusing on the success I had for two weeks.
Now, the reasons I am going into all of this, publicly, I guess, is that I realise this has not been a healthy way of life, and I’ve been engaged in it for a really long time. I think for a long time, I thought to myself “what does it matter?” and, well, the thing is, I wasn’t really thinking about my family, as they’ve all gone on with their lives, and I guess I wasn’t too concerned with them. But what has changed, is that I have a friend who I think cares enough about me to want to see me be healthy. And that’s part of the “how I might be having a negative impact on another person” theme I started with.
There is a lot, lot more to the story. I’m not sure now is the best time to go into it. I’m just sitting here preoccupied that my way of living might be having a negative impact on someone who cares about me, and I don’t want to do that. So that’s the reason I’m writing. I do not know what my purpose in life will be. I think for most people, having kids probably solves that problem for them pretty quick. But, as for now, I need to make sure I’m living in a way to make me worth the time invested in me. If that makes sense. I am, once again, being oblique, but I just don’t know how personal I can make this when it involves others I care about.