I wish I’d saved the tumblr post, because it really resonated with me. Something to the effect of “if I talk about it with you, you will freak out and go away”, and I can think of too many times where I’ve seen that scenario play out. For me, it started when I tried to talk about the childhood incident with a counselor. She didn’t seem like she was there to help. Those kinds of counselors are for women. She sort of treated me like I was a criminal. So, I felt a little betrayed that I had attempted to open up to her. But the problem for me was, I had opened up to someone, and tried to deal with something that I’d held closely for some forty years. It had shaped so many of my attitudes growing up, it was something that I *clung* to, something I felt that I *had* to believe, it was a source of strength to me; an attitude that I would be fierce, I would fight, I would prevail. By holding on to that, well, I got through forty years. And then when I tried to talk about it with someone, I completely broke down. The pretense was gone. I was not fierce. I was not strong. I was a little child fighting for my life; and then fighting for understanding in the face of it all: moving on. How do I respond to this type of thing from now on.
I had an online friend who used to make me laugh a lot. No matter what I was feeling, she could always make me laugh. I told her once, it’s like you have access to a certain part of my brain. I think that, to me, is what it was. She was able to make me laugh like the little child I once was. All of the pretense was gone. It was just the most innocent and vulnerable little kid in me, laughing. I probably haven’t handled losing that connection that I thought we’d had very well, because, Goddamn, do I value that.
So, I’ve had a few “dark nights of the soul” now and then, and a friend suggested I read this book. I picked it up. I’ve been wanting to buy a book, anyway, and even though I don’t have much success with self-hypnotizing sort of books, I value her opinion, and willingness to suggest something that might help me. There are two articles online that might be from the book, I’ve read ’em both, and they both sort of spoke to me, as in, yes, this is what I’m dealing with: 1) I know that I haven’t worked through this yet, and I still have work to do before I can truly move on from it, and 2) That whole inner child thing. Yes, as sure as I am that that was the key to the laughter I enjoyed for so long, I also think that that is the key to working this thing out and put some finality to it, where it’s no longer just rearing its ugly head at the most inopportune moments, and causing me to spiral out of control.
(shoot, I thought I’d left the tabs open, and now I can’t find the specific links I was hoping to share. I’ll have to update this if I ever find them.)