I don’t like how much time I spend dwelling on the past, especially the less positive parts, but I was giving a lady a ride to the airport the other day, and she asked “what is your happiest memory from living in Detroit?” and I replied “Well… when I was four years old, I had a five year old girlfriend, and we got caught kissing behind the bushes.” Which is a good memory, right? What caught me by surprise, is that that led me to think about subsequent events that I’ve spent far too much of my life dwelling on already, and went into a bit of a dark mood.
I guess the thing I came away with wondering about, is, okay, we’ve reopened this old wound once again, but why? The question I was asked was about a positive, happy thing, but I had to get past the dark memory to get there, maybe. I’m not sure I’m explaining myself well, but obviously, this was an opportunity to dwell on something positive, and out of habit, I just went back to same old negative thing. So, that’s something I think I need to work on.
I suppose somewhat related, is I was thinking about something a facebook friend had posted about having to make room in your life for the things you want. I had thought of a few examples, but one day I was sitting in the truck, and the passenger side of the cab is just buried in tools, clothes, a guitar, etc. I jokingly thought to myself, “Why don’t you have a girlfriend?” “Where would I put her?” The reason I guess I’m relating this, is because, well, you know, it would be nice if I could ever get to a place in my life where I could have that in my life again. The one thing that made me happy as a child that I remember. I don’t feel like I’ve ever been able to have that, since.
I suppose I could talk about all of the reasons I’ve told myself over the years of why I don’t know how to prepare myself for all of that. What is preventing me from having that experience? That might be a topic for another day. The problem is, that my frame of reference always seems to include ways that the negative things have influenced me, and so on. It’s one of those things, where I want to be understood, but don’t want to dwell on it, don’t want to talk about it, don’t want it to have any more harmful effect on my present and future life. How could I do that? Both not dwell on it, and yet communicate that, I want to be understood, (maybe I should try to understand more instead, okay), any way, I don’t know how to explain this very well. Plus, this really is a different topic than the one I started with, I think.